For the past couple of months, I've been battling with depression. It's like I have a no-getting-off-this-emotional-roller coaster-of bullshit-whether-you-like-it-or-not ticket. I'm way up high then hit the ground. There are days when I'm just so happy, like I''ve got everything all figured out and nothing's gonna tear me down. There are days too, when I just can't pull all my shit together no matter how hard I try...What's worse are those days that start with a happy disposition then for no apparent reason, I suddenly breakdown.
Abandonment and trust issues, rejection, uncertainty, fear, paranoia...These are just a few of the factors that contribute to this feeling, I think. 2012's been a pretty tough year for me. I practically lost almost, if not everyone I've given my full trust and honestly, I haven't gotten anything I've been wanting so bad and working so hard for. Sometimes, I don't see it anymore as merely a matter of me not getting what I want, it becomes more of a basis for me to question my capacity and doubt my capabilities. What if I'm never gonna be able to live up to the standards set out by the society? What If I'm really not good enough for anything or anyone? What if I really don't stand a chance at anything I yearn for?
Despite all the drama, I've come to this conclusion, a message that I'd like to think God had planned for me to decode in the middle of all the pain. My mistakes and failures prove that I tried really hard.He loves me. I don't have everything but he has given me something...and though I see myself as nothing special, He has proven to me that I have a lot to offer and actually, I'm starting to believe that I do. I am worth it. One day, I will become what I've always wanted to be. One day, I'd be able to contribute something positively to the society in spite of all my flaws. One day, I wouldn't even have to lose myself just to be "good enough for someone" because I would find a person who would realize that I'm more than enough.
I will no longer let anyone or anything dictate how I should feel about myself. From this day on, I will be stronger and I will face every day with my head held high.
